How to stop alongsider relationships going wrong
by Phil Boydell
There is a truism that we need to talk about at the end of this course: the closer the relationship the greater potential for profound good to happen, but also correspondingly the greater the potential for hurt and harm. It seems hardly a week goes by without some ‘scandal’ of abuse being exposed both within and outside the church.
Throughout this course we have been portraying relationships that are profoundly shaped by the example of Jesus – beautiful relationships reflecting Jesus’ self-sacrificial love whereby we give ourselves to others for ‘their good and growth’. These have been relationships marked by us seeking to participate in what God is doing in other people’s lives. However, even though we are ‘in Christ’ we are still prone to the ‘flesh’ - to sin and to selfishness. Therefore, we need a healthy dose of self-awareness in our lives as we approach these relationships.
Relationships tend to go wrong for two main reasons:
- 1. Because we can still walk in sin: greed, selfishness, pride, unforgiveness (and many other things) which all bring ruptures in relationships.
- 2. Because we are unaware of the dynamics of power that exist in all relationships and misuse it. All relationships involve power – someone is slightly older or maturer than the other, someone has more of a magnetic personality than the other, someone has a leadership position or experience, and so on. The problem isn’t the existence of power differences; the issue is how we use that power. Jesus resolutely said that as Christians we are to handle power in a completely different way to the ‘world’.
We want to outline 3 postures for Alongsider relationships and 3 boundaries that will help keep us on track, walking in the way of Jesus in these relationships.
Postures:
- 1. Serving ... rather than self (Imitating Jesus’ model)
- 2. Alongside ... rather than above (Humility and God-dependence)
- 3. Freedom ... rather than forcefulness (Decision-making)
Boundaries[1]:
- 1. Non-Sexual
- 2. Non-Coercive
- 3. Non-Exclusive
3 Postures
1. Serving ... rather than Self (Posture of Alongsiders)
In Session 1 of The Alongsider Course we talked about the two extremes of how we can handle relationships – isolation, where we pull back from people pretending we don’t need relationships and immersion where our sense of identity gets so tied up with other people that we become dependent on their attention or need of us. We said that neither approach was healthy – rather we needed a new perspective of seeing all our relationships within the circle of God’s purposes.
The problem of immersion is very real – we can be tempted to ‘use’ people to feel good about ourselves, to get our ego boosted by people’s attention or ‘need’ of us. Without even realising it our self, our ego can become the centre of our relationships – rather than the other. This is because of insecurity in our lives. Rather, the way we live for Jesus in relationships is to see ourselves in the way he saw himself as a servant.
Jesus was well aware of this danger – in Matthew 20 when Jesus was asked by the Mother of Zebedee’s Son’s verse 21: ‘Grant that one of these two sons of mine may sit at your right and the other at your left in your kingdom.’ Jesus used this request, and the desire for greatness, as an opportunity to teach the disciples about the posture of leadership and influence in the Kingdom of God. He spoke to all the disciples and said this:
‘You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave— just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”
‘Not so with you’ – we don’t ‘lord’ it over others, we operate as servants and imitate the Messiah who came to serve and ‘give his life as a ransom for many’. What Jesus is talking about is an other-centred love, a self-emptying love. Love isn’t about us or the self – it is about the other person. We defined an Alongsider as someone who ‘intentionally walks closely with another to serve Jesus’ purposes in their life”. Serving God’s purposes is our first posture as an alongsider. We are participating in what God is doing in people’s lives, serving His purposes not our own.
2. Alongside ... rather than Above (Humility and God-dependence)
Building on the previous idea of Service – the idea of being ‘Alongside ... not Above’ highlights that we come alongside not as the guru with all the clever answers but as fellow pilgrims, who together look to the God who brings transformation to our lives.
The nature of God’s grace is that it puts us all on a level with one another as being ‘needy’ people who constantly rely on God’s grace in every moment of our lives. As we said in Session 2 ‘maturity isn’t religious performance rather it is an ever-deepening trust and reliance on Jesus and his finished work on the cross’. This grace creates humility before God and others.
One fruit of this humility that the gospel brings into our lives is transparency. It can be so easy in life to curate an image of ourselves that makes us admired and loved by others – an image that puts us above rather than alongside people. But under God’s grace we don’t need to bolster our pride or sense of self – we are already complete in Jesus – united to Him. We don’t need to hide and pretend anymore we can be real about the highs and the lows and be honest about weaknesses – for as Paul said 2 Corinthians 12:9:
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
One question this raises for many is that of being an example to one another in the faith. Paul exhorts Timothy: ‘Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity.’ (1 Tim 4:12, NIVUK). We are clearly exhorted to be examples of the faith to one another, this is a natural part of all Alongsider relationships. But this posture of being ‘Alongside not Above’ people ensures that any area in which we are examples of faith to one another (and we should seek to be) remains a product of God’s grace, rather than a source of selfish pride and superiority.
3. Freedom ... rather than Forcefulness (Decision-making)
There is a reason that deep down all humans know that coercion and manipulation is wrong – it is because people are made in God’s image (Genesis 1:26-27). People literally reflect God, which affords all human beings a dignity and value that means that people cannot be reduce to ‘objects’ to be controlled or manipulated.
One important implication of this teaching is the dignity of freedom that God gives us as his image-bearers. It is noticeable how Jesus in the Gospels doesn’t force, coerce or demand our devotion – rather he draws us in love, truth and patience. God wants our hearts not our forced obedience. Humans are not objects to be ‘used’ they are persons who have freedom of choice, dignity and value.
To give an illustration of the importance of this principle of freedom in Alongsider relationships - a friend of mine regularly had a mantra for disciple-making relationships: ‘It is better for people to make their own bad decision than make my good ones.’[2] I loved that mantra – it has stood me in good stead in these kind of relationships for decades. Alongsider relationships are full of sharing wisdom, discussing issues, figuring out life before God, but our goal isn’t that people make our good decisions but that they stand before God and make their own decisions in freedom. We can be convinced that we know the right choice people should make in their lives, but it if people make our choices – the focus ends up being on us rather than God. We can give advice, wrestle through issues together, but we also need to encourage people to test our advice – we aren’t the Scriptures and we don’t replace the Holy Spirit.
One area it can be really tempted to be ‘forceful’ with people is when they get ‘stuck’ in their faith – it is in these times that we can get frustrated and can be sorely tempted to force people to do what we want them to do. Rather, we are here to encourage the believer in their relationship with God and discernment in life – preserving their dignity and value as God’s image bearers to make their own decisions before God and for us to trust God with the outcome of our efforts of love.
3 Boundaries
As we say in The Alongsider Course, ‘close relationships are naturally formational’, but to make sure that that formation is directed towards Jesus and God’s purposes (and not distorted by selfish desires or sin) we need to put wise boundaries in place. The following 3 are essential.
[Note: these three Boundaries are borrowed from the wisdom of John Wyatt in his excellent book Transforming Friendship: Lessons from John Stott and Others – with my own reflections added.]
1. Non-Sexual
The Apostle Paul gives very clear guidance on a number of things that should not be present in our relationships:
‘But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. 4 Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving.’ (Ephesians 3:3-4 NIVUK)
Many things are mentioned in this list that are worth reflecting on, but we want to highlight his call to ensure our relationships are ‘non-sexual’ : ‘not even a hint of sexual immorality, or any kind of impurity’. Wise advise in this area would be to meet in public settings and to avoid unhelpfully intimate contexts. For heterosexual people it would be advisable to not do Alongsider Relationship one-on-one with the opposite sex. If you are meeting as couples then that advice doesn’t apply so well. The point is to avoid anything that could lead yourself or others into any hint of sexual inappropriateness.
For same-sex attracted people – the advice of John Wyatt is helpful: ‘When it comes to Christians who are same-sex attracted but living a celibate lifestyle, we do not strongly advise them only to develop close friendships with people of the opposite gender! Instead we teach about the importance of openness, honesty and transparency in friendships.’[3]
This principle of openness and honesty very much reflects the first S of the ‘4 S’s of Fruitful Relationships’ in The Alongsider Course ‘Safe – through building trust’ which spoke about cultivating relationships of honesty, transparency and authenticity. When our relationships are marked by this kind of ‘living in the light’ then beautiful things happen, as God brings transformation into our lives together.
2. Non-Coercive
As we said under the principle of ‘Freedom ... rather than Forcefulness’ (Decision-making) it is vital that people’s freedom of choice is ensured because people are made in God’s image. But it remains a temptation to adopt a role in people’s lives that usurps this principle of freedom and misuses power in relationships. John Wyatt is again helpful in describing this issue:
‘A frequent feature of ‘spiritual abuse’ is a coercive demand for ‘accountability’ under the guise of spiritual care and leadership. The victim is told that they must share every aspect of their life behaviour, thoughts and temptations so that they can be scrutinised by the more powerful leader’.[4]
Accountability is a wonderful gift when offered freely and mutually – but it is possible in such relationships to subtly make the accountability to us rather than towards the purpose of accountability – to God and His word. Accountability should be freely offered and given, not coerced, demanded or required.
Self-awareness of motives in our relationships is vital in avoiding the temptation to ‘use’ people to get them to do what we want. People need to have their freedom and dignity protected. We exhort, we encourage, we challenge one another, but we always need to ensure that people are free to disagree with us ... free to challenge us.
3. Non-Exclusive
Being passionate to see people grow, (and experiencing them grow) is life-giving and thrilling, but the subtle shadow-side of this is becoming ‘over-responsible’ for people’s growth – whereby we view ourselves as vital and central to people’s growth (rather than God). Rather, in Alongsider relationships we participate in what God is doing in people’s lives.
Almost all coercive and abusive relationships have hallmarks of unhealthy exclusivity and secrecy. But even beyond these extremes – exclusivity leads to pattern of immaturity. As John Wyatt says:
‘But even without an abusive element, exclusivity in friendship tends to encourage an unhealthy co-dependency which fosters immature patterns of behaviour and inhibits genuine growth and spiritual formation. By their very nature, gospel-shaped friendships are non-exclusive. They do not exclude and separate out from others. Instead...healthy friendships positively encourage and delight in drawing other people into the joy and openness of what they have discovered.’[5]
A crucial boundary to protect against this would be to ensure that our relationships are ‘non-exclusive’ - that other people are engaged in our lives – not just one person. We are part of the Body of Christ after all – we therefore need multiple people and inputs to grow us to maturity in the faith.
Over the years I have seen a number of examples of disciple-making relationships where we are tempted to make ‘heroes’ out of people who have had a real and significant impact on our lives. So impactful are these people under God that we can be tempted to make their words almost infallible. The boundary of ‘non-exclusivity’ recommends that we encourage people to test what we say before God and his Word and encourage people we get alongside to get multiple inputs of advice and wisdom beyond us.
Proverbs 15:22 says, ‘Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisors they succeed.’
Further Reading:
For Everyday Alongsiders
John Wyatt, Transforming Friendship: Lessons from John Stott & others. IVP, 2025. - A brilliant book that talks about gospel-crafted friendship and helpfully addresses the issues of protecting these relationships from hurt and harm.
For Leaders
Marcus Honeysett, Powerful Leaders: When Church Leadership goes wrong and how to prevent it. IVP, 2022 – Another brilliant book that gives much practical advice in how to walk in the way of Christ as Christian leaders.
Mark Stiring, Mark Meynell (editors), Not So With You: Power and Leadership for the Church, Wipf and Stock, 2023 – An excellent collection of essays that speak to many of the issues highlighted in this paper.
[1] I am indebted to John Wyatt and his outstanding book ‘Transforming Friendship: Lessons from John Stott & Others’ (IVP 2025) for this category.
[2] Mark Stirling – Not So with You: Power and Leadership for the Church, Wipf and Stock. Pg.205
[3] Wyatt Pg. 134
[4] Wyatt Pg. 136
[5] Wyatt, Pg.139
